Tuesday, 12 September 2017
Fifty Shades of Grey, what a great film that was.
Admittedly, when I say that, I must confess I've never seen it.
Of course, that doesn't prevent me having an opinion on it. One I'm not going to share right now - because I'm too busy looking ahead to the next addition to the series that's in danger of deposing James Bond from its status of Greatest Movie Franchise Ever.
But what a rubbish trailer that was. There was barely anything in it and what there was wasn't interesting. I could make a movie that's way muckier than that looks and I wouldn't require my stars to act like they have the charisma of house bricks.
I can remember when they used to make good porn; porn that was good enough to keep at least two cinemas open in Sheffield well into the 1980s when all other cinemas were closing down. I don't get the feeling that film could keep even one cinema open.
Needless to say, that's how I judge movies.
By how many porn cinemas they could keep open.
That's the kind of man I am.
Thursday, 7 September 2017
Hold on a minute! Mila Kunis is playing people's mothers these days? What madness is this? Doesn't she only play people's daughters?
Anyway, whatever the truth of the insanity, she has another movie out.
I must confess I didn't see the first Bad Moms movie and didn't, until now, even know it existed but I can safely say that this looks like one of the worst movies of all time. It doesn't even look bad enough to be good. It feels like Mamma Mia for people who prefer swearing and body parts to singing and ABBA.
Admittedly, despite the love for ABBA that is compulsory in anyone born in Britain, I do prefer swearing and body parts to singing and ABBA but that still doesn't make me like the trailer any more.
My perception is that all Mila Kunis movies are flops. This doesn't appear to be the case, as Wikipedia tells me a number of them have won awards.
I suspect, however, that this isn't going to be among them.
Saturday, 2 September 2017
We all know that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the greatest actor of his generation, able to switch between drama and comedy at the drop of a hat, performing both to a standard that others can only envy.
But, having said that, I don't think I've seen any of his comedies since Kindergarten Cop or Twins or Batman and Robin or something. And that was all many many many decades ago. So, does he still have those legendary comic chops that so dazzled the world?
I think you have to say no. In fact, looking beyond his performance, I must suggest the movie looks rubbish. It looks like a fan-made film whose director somehow managed to get a semi-retired superstar to guest in it as a favour to him.
I confidently predict this will rank as high in his canon of comedies as Terminator Genisys does in his canon of action movies.
Oh well, we can always entertain ourselves by watching his old films while we wait for him to find the vehicle that's going to get his career back on track again.
And at least there's always Politics to fall back on...